What I Need
by penandpathways
Summary: Steve tries to stop Natasha from leaving. It ended up having to confront what they feel for one another. Oneshot.


**_Disclaimer: I do not own any Marvel characters._**

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 **What I Need**

 ** _By: penandpathways_**

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Steve Rogers was referred to the man out of time for a reason. And that reason was particularly intended for waking up in a world to which he hardly recognizes anymore. For seventy years, he had spent this time down in the ice and miraculously survived through it all.

Well, a _miracle_ is what they'd describe it to be. To see their own super soldier living up to his legend.

But for Steve Rogers, a _miracle_ isn't exactly the word he would use. In fact, sometimes he considered the term _curse_ to be more appropriate for his situation.

He didn't want to survive.

He wanted to _live._

So far, not much in this world could even make up _half_ the life he had before he went in the ice. Truthfully speaking, he wasn't even sure if he could find himself at this time at all.

Captain America would always find his purpose. He knew that.

But for Steve Rogers, he was losing hope.

.

Until he met _Natasha Romanoff._

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Steve had only loved three women in his life.

First, was, of course— his _mother._

Despite knowing there is nothing perfect in this world, Steve would regard Sarah Rogers just an inch behind it. He couldn't ask for anything more. She was the one who believed in him, the one who took care of him and raised him as the man he is now. Without Sarah Rogers, literally and figuratively, there would be no Captain America nor Steve Rogers at all.

And the second one— one that he was sure he'll never forget— was _Peggy Carter._

Peggy was everything. She was smart, fearless, cunning, and driven by her passion in the army. Yet what Steve finds amazing in all that, was the fact that she looked just as beautiful and sophisticated as a person. Before he became Captain America, she was one of the people who believed in him. She had faith in Steve Rogers long before he got some attention from the ladies _and_ the army.

She trusted him as he trusted her. And he loved her just as much as she loved him. That was why when he woke up, realizing that he never got the chance to ask her for that dance— he felt like a part of him died.

He almost died.

And every day, he wished he did.

From then on, despite not wanting to admit it, he was afraid of loving again. To love someone and be loved in return— it can be both your joy or sadness. Your pain or your happiness. That was what he thought.

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And then he met Natasha.

Natasha Romanoff was— _believe him when he says this_ —truly and undoubtedly one of a kind. She wasn't like most women. Steve knew it was bad to compare people but he couldn't help but think she was _a lot_ different to Peggy than most people thought.

In a good way, of course. They were both fierce and independent women. Both beautiful and attractive.

But while Peggy had an innocent and sophisticated aura around her - Natasha's was darker. Natasha Romanoff was seductively breathtaking and mysterious in a way that men couldn't help but be drawn to. She was dangerous yet fragile at the same time.

If there was one thing these two women shared— was the fact they managed to capture the heart of Captain America. Of Steve Rogers.

Steve Rogers had never planned to fall in love with Natasha Romanoff. Honestly, she was the last person who he thought of spending his life with. They just seemed so incompatible the first time they met. He was keen on telling the truth while she preferred to keep things to herself. In other words, Steve finds it hard to trust her.

Who knew that in the end, she would always be one of the people he couldn't live without. Who he always had faith in. Who he would trust to put his life into.

While Peggy Carter was his weakness, Natasha Romanoff was his strength.

Steve loves her. And he would do everything he can to make sure she learns to love herself as much as he does.

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That's why when Steve saw Natasha that night, with two bags on top of her bed while she hurried to grab her clothes from the hanger, he knew something was wrong. He knew what she was trying to do.

"Natasha," She stiffened. His eyebrows were furrowed as he stood from her doorframe, looking how messy her room is. "What are you doing?"

She didn't look at him. Didn't even say anything.

"Natasha—"

"I can't stay." she finally said, glancing up to meet his eyes. "I can't stay here." She continued to put her clothes inside the bag, not even bothering to fold them neatly in place.

Steve was stunned. "Wha...what? _Why?_ " He couldn't even form his own words properly. She was _leaving?_ For _what?_ Somehow, he had hoped that she meant it simply because of a mission but judging from the way she was practically taking all of her things with her was probably a different sign. "What do you mean you can't stay?"

Natasha continued to ignore him.

His eyes narrowed as he gritted his teeth. "Natasha, answer me."

Steve could see her forehead creased so that meant she was intentionally doing it. Without any warning, he walked into her room and grabbed her arm and forced her to meet his gaze. "Natasha!" he belted out.

 _"What?"_ she snapped, her voice was breaking. "Just what do you want, Steve?"

His gaze softened the moment he saw her eyes. They were glistening and were all puffy and red. Steve had never seen her like this before. It was the first time he saw her cry. Immediately, his tone was filled utter concern, "Were you crying?" he asked gently.

She snatched her arm away from his grip. "No." she answered curtly, not wanting to face him again. "Leave me alone, Steve."

"No." he said firmly, determined to stop what she was planning to do. "Not until you tell me why are you doing this."

Natasha scoffed like it was ridiculous of him to even ask such a question. "I think you know exactly why."

 _"Why?"_ Steve repeated, his face turning cold.

She let out a sigh of annoyance, shaking her head. "Forget it." She zipped her bag close and wore her leather jacket. Just when she grabbed her bags and about to head out the door, what he said made her stop.

"Is this because of what I said?" she heard Steve's voice ask behind her. She felt her breath hitched in her throat, feeling her feet betray her when they remained planted to the ground. When she didn't answer, he sighed. "That's it, isn't it?"

Natasha hung her head low, feeling her vision get blurry once more. "I don't know." she whispered.

Steve walked closer to her. "Natasha..." he stopped when he was two feet away. "Nat, look at me." His eyes dropped down to the bag she was holding, her hand shook while her fingers trembled as she tried to clutch the handle tightly. "Please." he pleaded softly.

She took a deep breath before turning around. Her eyes landed on his chest and she kept it that way— not wanting to meet those mesmerizing blue eyes of his.

"I understand if you don't feel that way. I really do." He started softly. Steve could feel his heart pounding with each passing second. "But don't leave, please. Don't make this decision because of me."

She struggled to keep her voice straight. "I got scared." she said quietly. "I-I didn't... I never expect this to happen and—" she gulped, gripping the bags so tight that she felt her knuckles turn white. "I knew this was a mistake."

Steve felt like he had been punched in the gut.

Natasha finally found the strength to meet his eyes. The warmth that she used to find was nowhere to be seen at all now. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have given you lectures about flirting, I shouldn't have forced you to go on practice dates with me, I shouldn't have taught you to dance, I shouldn't... I shouldn't..." she pressed her lips together, shaking her head. "I shouldn't let you fall in love with me."

The captain looked at her in disbelief. "Are you seriously apologizing for what I feel for you?" His expression turned furious. "How could you _say_ that? How could you even _think_ that way?"

She felt a tear fell across her cheek. "Don't you see, Steve? I can't be the one for you. I'm a spy for heaven's sake. I lie, and I lie all the time. I have a lot of secrets and I shut people out every time they try to pry into my life. How can you fall in love with a woman like that?" she exclaimed.

"Because you gave me the chance to know the real you." he countered, feeling a lump in his throat as he recalled the memory. "Remember that day when we discovered that SHIELD was HYDRA? When I saved your life and you asked me if it was the other way around, would I trust you to do it?" He didn't wait for her response as he continued on. "I did. Because you put down the Black Widow facade, and for the first time, showed me the _real_ you. I saw you as my friend, my partner, and my ally."

He said in a whisper, "I fell in love with you, Nat." he looked at her. "And that's on me."

Natasha still couldn't believe what she was hearing. She felt her nose becoming stuffy on the process as she tried to process this all in. She couldn't believe that she managed to capture the heart of Captain America. She was... she was nothing. She didn't even know if she worth-loving by a normal person. Much more— Steve Rogers? He's light and she's darkness.

He's too good for her. She doesn't deserve him in the least bit. Natasha knew that.

Then what she said next completely took Steve off guard. "But I'm not Peggy, Steve."

Steve's eyebrows furrowed.

"I can't be Peggy for you." she finished.

There was a mixture of sadness and incredulity on his face. He shook his head. "No. You can't." he muttered. Natasha felt her heart crushed into pieces at his agreement. It was true but it hurt so much. She looked downcasted as he heard him say next— "But I don't want you to be Peggy."

She looked up to see him offer a sad smile. She felt his touch when he grabbed her hand and curled his fingers around hers. "What?" she could only ask, feeling the warmth of his touch made the butterflies in her stomach— to which she never knew she had— flutter furiously.

"I don't want you to be Peggy because I fell in love with _you,_ Nat."

Natasha was lost for words and even stammered. "B-but... she was perfect, Steve. You _love_ her a lot. Your eyes lit up like the sun whenever you talk about her and fall like darkness when you think about the life you could've had with her."

"Nat." he interjected, immediately gaining her attention. He tightened his hold on her. "Peggy had me at my _best._ You had me at my _worst._ " He quickly wiped the tears from her cheek. "And that says a lot."

She sighed, letting go of the bags to raise her hand and touch the one that cupped her cheek. "I don't know if I deserve this, Steve. If I deserve you."

"Well, I think there's one question that you still need to answer first." he pointed out, gently running his fingers across her cheek. "What do you feel for me, Nat?"

Then there it was again. The butterflies in her stomach. The rising of her chest heavily. And the sound of her own heartbeat ringing in against her ears. What does she feel for him? She knew that Steve made her feel something she didn't know existed before. She would do everything to protect him because he didn't want him to get hurt. He wanted him to be happy more than anything. His happiness was her own.

She felt his hand tipped her chin upwards, making her meet his eyes for the umpteenth time.

 _Green meets blue._

Ah, forget it. She wasn't stupid enough to not know what this feeling was. She fell hard. Just like he did.

"I love you." she blurted out, catching the look of surprise on his face. "But I can't be with you."

His face immediately fell. "Why?"

"Because a lot of people need you. The world, the country, the team... I can't be a distraction for you. I would just be in your way." she reasoned.

"But _I_ need you." his voice was trembling now. Natasha almost felt guilty at the thought of her hurting him but it was the right thing to do. "You're not going to be a distraction because you're by my side. We can go through this together." he stated.

She felt tears prick the corner of her eyes. "I have enemies Steve—"

"And I don't?" he cut her off. His gaze hardening.

Natasha sighed. "But my enemies would be yours to deal with too. I can't let you risk everything for me."

"I will if I have to. I would gladly take the risk if it meant being with you." Steve said, stepping closer until their faces were mere inches away. "I love you, Natasha."

She couldn't hold it anymore. The tears just came pouring down again. "Steve..."

Steve didn't say anything and instead wrapped his arms around her. She quickly gave in and buried her face in his shoulder. He rubbed her back soothingly as he heard her small sobs.

This was the first time he'd seen her cry. It was a surprise that Natasha Romanoff actually cried at all.

"Shh..." he whispered. "It's okay, Nat."

"I love you but I don't deserve you." he heard her say through his shoulder. "I love you but I don't want you to get hurt."

"What's love if you're not going to feel pain?" He murmured, still hugging her. "You love me? That's all I care about."

She pulled away, wiping the tears from her eyes and cheek. She averted her gaze. "This is embarrassing."

"It's not so bad." he tried to lighten up the mood. He eyed the bags on the floor. "You want me to help you put those back?"

Natasha hesitated to answer for a second before nodding in response.

Steve smiled shortly, placing a sweet lasting kiss on her forehead before grabbing her things. He paused when he heard her voice. "Steve?"

"Yeah?" he asked, as he dropped the bags on the bed.

She smiled shyly. "Don't tell anybody about this." When he looked confused, she pointed at her puffy face, "That I cried."

"Oh," he nodded in understanding, expecting that she was referring to something else. "Sure." He started to place her clothes on the bed.

Natasha went over to him and sat on the side. After a few seconds of silence, she suddenly blurted out— "Please don't think I'm weak." Steve paused while she bit her lip.

He was dumbfounded. "Why would that be weak? It's normal to cry."

"Nothing it's just..." she trailed off, before locking her gaze with him. "You're the first person to actually see me cry. It's a big thing for me." she offered a slight smile.

Steve froze, his eyes widening at her statement, before feeling the corner of his lips curved upwards.

 _Well, that's a start._

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